I don't have a good memory when it comes to school and subjects and desperately boring facts. However my memory is invincible when it comes to love. I am utterly and irretrievably in love with love. It might sound weak or desperate or childish even. Nevertheless I won't ever apologize for who I am.
I have these vivid pictures of us, of you holding me so thight that I could literally feel all my broken pieces welding back together. When you waltzed into my life, I was a hot mess. I could glorify the truth here, cover it up but I've never fancied lying.
I remember every minute of those times, I had no clue where I'm headed in life, I felt unlovable, repulsive, worthless. Then you came, like the fucking prince charming riding on that fucking white horse, and made me believe in myself again. You made me love my flaws and adore my weaknesses. Sometimes I still have these flashbacks when I eat m&m's or watch prison break. It takes me back to the times when my world was crashing down around me and I couldn't notice or care less even, because there we were, laying in my bed, kissing and cuddling, welding into one person. I felt like nothing can go wrong until you're there, until you love me I'm someone who deserves love.
I still remeber those freezing cold winter nights when smoking one cigarette made my core shiver, but we couldn't care less, we loved sharing a smoke. Those were the simpler days, I was a freshman at the university dancing through my first year without straining even one muscle. I was also a bartender back then, which I hated at that time, mostly due to the underpayment. However I loved the attention and the compliments, nevertheless what I adored the most were the times when you came in to see me. You visited me for a coffee or a hot chocolate on slow nights and we talked, laughed, smoked and sometimes you even pursued me to ditch work and drive around for hours just you and me. Or you just came and picked me up at the end of my shift and we'd talk and drive around until the sun rose.
So many people contemplated my decision about you, everybody thought you were a poison that tainted my whole personality and clouded my judgement. They didn't get it and they never could. I mean how could they, for them life is different. I have this weird condition of going through life with hightened emotions. I live life on a different level, my lows as deep as a black hole therefore my highs feel like I'm hopped up on crack. Hands once in a while I need some sedative so I wouldn't drive myself into insanity. He was my sedative and when he was too effective he was my cocain, then my extasy and finally my marijuana for calming my nerves. I needed him like an addict needs his hit, like a predator needs the chase. I never expected the world to accept my decision, let alone understand it. For me his protection was more than enough.
He was my safe place, my comfort zone, the only place where I could let go of the expectations, responsibilities, judgement and gossips. I still have these deranged images of us fighting like animals and then just laying next to each other sharing a laugh and a beer. It might seem sick, deranged, distorted, twisted and toxic to everyone but for me it was just what I needed. He was explicitely and the most unspeakably perfect partner at that time.
Grievously nothing stays te same, winter stikes and everything frozes and you just stand there with your tears iced on your cheek screaming for those days to find their ways back to you. This is generally a permanent situation, but with us....it was just a fleeting second. We had the ability to actually resuscitate our corpses and pick up where we had left off. That was the sensational thing about us. Nobody understood it, I'm firmly convinved that we did not either. But it was our relationship's charm. Be that as it may, we were still meant to drift apart. I still remember when we had already drifted apart and we layed in my bed cuddling, and the whole room went cold, as if somehow his hug covered everything with an icecap. Our distance killed every living and viable sense in our souls and relationship. Though we still held on, because we were so sure that this situation wouldn't last long, I mean it never had. As we are fallible human beings it was inevitable that at one point we'd be wrong about our own circumstances and future.
When the end came, I can still recall feeling shivers running through my spine, physically predicting our death. I call it death because that day when he practically threw me out of the comfort of his arms, one part of me died, which I will never be able to get back. I buried it right then and there, I contemplated keeping it close, just in case one day it would resurrect. Then I've realized that every part of me that he'd killed will always love him and I was desperate to get rid of every remaining residue that could ever want to lure me back into his arms.
I loved him with every fibre of my body, it is plausbale that the problem was explicitely that. I loved him more than I could ever love myself, his well-being, his emotional balance was way more important to me than my own. I would've rather destroyed myself just so he'd be happy for the first time since he was a little boy. Nowadays I still tear up a little when I think about us and about how nasty the end was...but I know one thing now that I had no fucking clue about back then...He might had been my saviour at the very beginning but by the end he became the only person who was able to push me over the edge and put me on the verge of insanity. He made me suppress all those feeling that I needed to immerse from in order to be able to bury us for eternity.
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