This might be the hardest and the most excruciatingly painful novel I have ever written, but I feel that if I don’t get it out of my system my heart will burst and it will eat me up from the inside out.
I remember every detail about you and me, vividly. I remember our first kiss, our first hook up, you lashing out at me. Though the thing I remember the most vividly is the moment I realized that I was in love with you. I was sleeping over at your old place, we just had sex and both fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee, I maneuvered my way through you carefully looking out not to wake you. When I sneaked back to bed next to you, instead of closing my eyes and continuing my ren sleep I stared at you while you were sleeping. That second a tiny little curve started to form on my face and I smiled from my heart. In that split second nothing else mattered nor existed, I ceased to exist. I have an amazingly detailed recollection of watching myself from the outside looking at you smiling and thinking to myself; “damn it, I’m fucked…”.
After that night I couldn’t help myself, you had me completely unconditionally. I thought to myself “I’m done, I have the guy. I am ready to spend the rest of my life with him and put down roots with.”. I would have followed you to the end of the fucking world if you had asked.
However, our story wasn’t a fairytale, we weren’t meant to be according to you. Regardless of your intentions whether you were scared or insecure or terrified or simply not interested in more than hooking up, you crushed me. You broke my soul in half and then danced on the pieces until they were all completely shattered.
It was an enormously difficult and overwhelming job to get myself to go back to the scene of the crime and pick up the pieces of my heart through my eyes that were swimming in tears. Still, I did it. I have managed to make the best out of the remaining snippets. Then and there I vowed to forget you, I vowed to erase you from my mind and heart and never let you sneak your way back into it.
After I was partially all whole and healed someone else came knocking on my door, someone eminently worse than you. I let him in, gave him my heart because after all those years of living with the pain of you rejecting it, I needed someone to need it. When he got through with me, I thought that he destroyed me more profoundly than you did, which turned out to be a false conclusion. He might have done worse things to me than you did, but my feelings were never as perspicacious for him as for you. Subsequently his mark looks like a teeny tiny bug bite compared to the wound you inflicted upon me.
Now here we are 3 years later and you still manage to make my heart to skip a beat, my mind to go numb and my better judgement to leave the station.
During these three years we had a perfectly working dynamic, you in one side of the room and me in the other. Gazing at each other, feasting on those stolen moments and eye contacts. This wasn’t ideal or anything but it sufficed for me. It allowed me to have breathing space next to you, to widen my horizon and expand my interests.
I presume that you felt my distancing or this was something you’ve been wanting to do ever since you have forgiven me. So, you made your move when we were in a safe place, among friends without your significant other. You showered me with compliments and initiated some alone time. I could feel your thoughts burning my lips. I felt your craving to kiss me, but you didn’t. I don’t know if it was the lack of courage or trust, nevertheless you didn’t.
I spent the whole next day taking all your words and sentiments apart and then putting them back together, hoping to figure out your objective. Still, I got nowhere. You might have only sought to figure out whether you could still have me or not. You might have only wanted my energy. You might have had no intention with anything you said or did. Or my last conclusion and the most appealing one to me, yet the most unrealistic one is that you feel our connection as strongly and profoundly as I do and that you also could see us get married and have kids and that is why you initiated all those stolen moments. You might have missed me; my attendance might have evoked some of the oppressed feeling you may or may not have or had and you felt the unshakeable urge to do something about it.
Regardless of your intentions, the facts are facts. After the party you went home to your girlfriend, slept next to her and moved along with your life as nothing had happened. And I came home to my empty apartment and has been obsession over that night ever since.
I came to my final conclusion about you. I am stopping, I am ending whatever sick game you are playing. I refuse to live by your erratic whims. I want a life; I want a husband and kids in the foreseeable future. And if I keep walking on this path waiting for you to make a move, I will wait possibly forever.
I deserve my happiness, I deserve the life that I have visioned for myself and no matter how much it hurts to let go of the crooked and yet adorable love story we could tell our grandchildren one day…I surrender, I give up. My heart can’t take anymore. The pain I feel every time I think of you, every time I think of how little do I have a clue about your intentions and how plausible it is that this is all a game to you, I lose a piece of me. I have been losing pieces of myself year by year, little by little and I decline to throw any more of them at people who don’t even notice it.
My heart breaks because you’ve just ripped all my scars open, I am bleeding uncontrollably and feeling all ranges of emotions. I can’t be a little girl with a pony tail and a snow-white book in her hand anymore. I need to face reality and accept the truth.
If you want to marry this girl, go ahead. She will never make you half as happy and half as proud as I would be able to. On the other hand, if you can’t make the much needed and essential moves to give us a chance and to sweep me off my feet, that means that you could only make me happy until the primaeval flame lasts. I merited more than that, I have been through the pits of hell and found my way back and God forbid ifI ignore all that I have learnt from it.
I am not trying to be mean, I’m just giving voice to my inner self, allowing me to open the door to happiness.
I loved you five years ago, and I will probably always love you. But this is your turn now, I have done enough, humiliated myself enough, graveled enough. Now I’m drawing the line, setting clear boundaries and I stop acting the way that’s not worthy of the woman I have become.
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