There was this fire, this chemistry between us, some misterious foreign force drew us to each other, it was something inhumane, something special and we had no say in it what so ever. I still remember the first time we've talked. I found you funny but obnoxious, charming but repulsive, sweet but sour. You were a mystery to me. I couldn't level with my thoughts on you. There was something very controversial about you, and obviously I needed to know what's below the surface. I saw your mask, that you wore among other people but I felt that underneath that you've got something that's worth digging for.
So I pursued it, I agreed to play by your rules, I was firmly convinced that you could never get to me. I am gonna be utterly honest here, when it became clear to me that I wouldn't be able to keep my distance, because you'd lured me into your deranged universe, I've decided to use you. I wanted to exploit your attention, because back then I needed it. I meant to use it to boost my self-esteem, my ego. Little did I know that you'd do the exact opposite.
Well I could get into deatils here and blabber about love that turned into haterade, and pity and about the good old days when a perfect day only included him, a great serie and lots of lots of sex and cuddling. But I have no intention of doing that, I mean not under this caption.
The other day I've started thinking, remembering back, letting my mind sail away on the sea of our adorable, vivid and profound memories, expecting to get sad and unconsolable in the process, but nothing has happened, I smiled without longing, without any regret whatsoever. That was the second when I've realized, maybe my old self was prone to fall for you and for your bullshit, but you'd ruined all your remaining, residual chances with the current me.
When it was the time of our love, that was a short period of time, when we both wished upon a star to find comfort, a nook that would keep us safe from all of our far-fetched misery, after stumbling upon one another. That was the period when we both walked the same path, we were meant to be together back then, but we were also meant to drift apart.
Back then you needed someone to guide you, to show you the other option, the fleeting image of a normal life, with a functioning, loving, caring relationship, that could've safed you from your own destined, distorted future. Meanwhile I needed someone's adoration, support, I was in a desperate need of a real ass relationship experience, and a huge slep to yank me out of my self deprecation. So we were the perfect match. However when everything had went south, and both of us had to make up our minds about the future, you chose left when I went right. That was when the fights, the collisions and the need for separate time started. We kept walking next to each other, but not together, we let go of the other's hand and silently stuck together. Those were the worst of times and not at all the best of them. I remember looking at you, without any recongition of whom I'm looking at. Nevertheless when we were on a streak, for a fleeting second I actually thought that we could legitimately make it work, end up together and grow old happily in our own lil' cacoon. But as we got closer and closer to the end, that dream seemed like it had never even existed. It was painful and excrutating to say our final goodbyes, it also was the most accelarating and liberating second of my whole entire life.
I've made my peace with you choosing the disruptive path, and the only reason for that is that I have tried every existing method and way to yank you out of it, I helped you in million different ways, I stayed put when you had withdrawal symtoms, I stuck around when your anger management tactiques had failed both of us, and I encouraged you to get out of your comfort zone. I feel that I have crossed every obstacle, and jumped through every fucking hoop, and you still managed to blame me for everything that was fucked up in our relationship against all my diligence.
For all that, I am more than sure, that I wouldn't take this crap again from anyone. You only wanted to save yourself, you were only concerened for your own wellbeeing. I no longer want to save any drowning man, because if he doesn't want to drown in his sorrow, he will get his shit together, swipe himself off the floor and fucking keep moving forward no matter how excruciatingly painful it is and for me it's no longer a choice it's a matter a principle. Due to all the suffering, pain, teardrop that I've fallen for you, every time I see you now, I don't see the man I fell in love with, I only see someone who looks like him but has nothing in common with him what so ever, he's the shadow of the man he used to be and the man he could be.
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