I was always a sucker for love, for fairytales and for bad boys whom can be changed. Then life happened, guys came and went. One crushed my heart more than the other. I've always believed though, for a long period of time my belief couldn't have been broken. However my last relationship had made a number on me. It actually strikes me how tremendous of a role it has been playing in my life.
Love was always a topic I adored talking about, and now it gives me the creeps, I mean obviously I like talking about someone else's love life but my own...just simply doesn't exist. I mastered in isolating myself from every goddamn situation that could get my heart in trouble. I've been on a few dates in the last months but only with guys I knew it would never work out with, hands I secured myself. The frightening thing is that I actually wanna be deliriously in love, it's not the part that freaks me out.
What freaks me out is the part that comes right after the breaking point, when everything goes to shit, when it's just you and a stranger sleeping next to you, who knows all your fucking secrets and you can't trust him with them anymore, the sacred trust had been broken and you're laying there with your eyes wide open, trying to scoope some information from the back of your mind, hoping for your subconscious to magically give you some game changing solution. But your whole brain goes blind, shuts down and leaves you hanging. So I wonder...what's next? What can I do now? And in most situations there's literally nothing that you can do. So the ultimate solution that you've been trying to avoid is letting go of yet another person whom you've loved.
And suddenly you find yourself out on the town once again, searching for some fool to make you feel a bit better about yourself, to boost your self esteem. Needless to say that in general this strategy never works. You immediately reject every complient and every side look, and you only feel indifference, repulsion and resentment toward the other gender. Regardless of how great of a guy is the one who tries to pick you up.
Your only way out is to adapt to the situation, to the pain, immerse from it, no matter how hard we try after a break up, sadness and pain are inevitable ingredients, whether we like it or not, it's redundant to split hair about that statement.
My million dollar question, that keeps me up at night is whether an effective approach exists or not?! My intention isn't to state that love can't last forever or that it's not worth it to find someone new...My intention is to find a way out of the hole I dug for myself and to find an efficient method that stops me from being frightened of falling in love. I guess I've been suppressing my doubts for so long that I contaminated myself with fear. I want to alter my perception, and give free flow to love, the only irreplacable variable for this eqation is a man who can certify me that he'll never break my heart, and whom actually -for the sake of diversity- keeps his promise.
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